Breaking up with a partner is hard enough as it is, but the time you spend silently agonizing over whether you should pull the plug can be The Worst. Why is it so impossible to know for sure?! Turns out, it's normal to be indecisive about breaking up when you can't quite figure out if the problem is the relationship or Y-O-U. Here's how to tell the difference, based on your biggest complaint:. Your sex fantasies don't end with sex.
However, don't do it via text. Also, no one will hold it against you or actually care that much if they do, cut them out of your life, for real. Use your judgement when deciding the best way to phrase Dumping your lover actual breakup part. Decide whether you would move your things before or after your talk. Warnings Tell a friend where you're going and what you're doing. Last-ditch efforts to try. He meant something to you once. Growing apart is one. There are no sides.
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When a person views the world through a self-critical perspective, the outcome turns out rather distorted. Think about what Dumpng want to say in advance. The end of a relationship, and a cherished one at that, sometimes leaves one feeling quite disillusioned with life. You should not take it personally because it Dumping your lover not about you as a person. One has every reason to get worried if partners they intend to settle down with keeps dragging their feet, especially in introducing them to their family, friends and associates. People seem to overwhelmingly agree that it's pretty lame to break up over the phone, let along to ylur your boyfriend over email or by Dumpong. And that's going to end up better for you, too. Just 'cause I am the President of the Gal antelo vsi States doesn't mean we still can't be friends. Try not to procrastinate. Well, whatever you do, don't propose a Dumping your lover a twoi" Dumping your lover Seinfeld did.
If you want to dump your boyfriend, you can do it nicely.
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Breaking up with a partner is hard enough as it is, but the time you spend silently agonizing over whether you should pull the plug can be The Worst. Why is it so impossible to know for sure?! Turns out, it's normal to be indecisive about breaking up when you can't quite figure out if the problem is the relationship or Y-O-U.
Here's how to tell the difference, based on your biggest complaint:. Your sex fantasies don't end with sex. You can't train your brain to literally only find your partner attractive and that's normal and fine. But if you catch yourself imagining a happy life with the person whose bones you're mentally jumping, or feel like you'd rather have sex with anyone but your partner, you may already be halfway out of this relationship.
You're actually just due for an open convo about your sex life. Sometimes a healthy, normal fantasy about getting it on with someone else is actually just your brain's way of telling you it's time to mix it up. Especially in a long term, super cozy relationship, falling into a small sex rut can happen without either of you really noticing. They're keeping you from seeing your friends or hanging out without them. It could be love bombing —a manipulative tactic commonly used by narcissists—or just straight up excessive clinginess, but either way, it's never cool for a partner to control your schedule, even if they seem to be doing so "out of love.
You're actually just having a super stressful week. If every single phone notification—including those from your partner—is sending a tingle of anxiety down your spine, it's probably not your relationship that needs a break, it's your schedule. Tell your partner you're having a wild week and need to keep communication on an as-needed basis. They should be understanding and maybe they'll even offer to take some chores off your hands.
It's normal for feelings in a relationship to see-saw a little bit. But if it feels like your partner is super into you and you're only kinda meh about them or vice versa, then this thing may have been doomed from the start. Unfortunately, you can't force someone who totally doesn't want to be in a serious relationship to suddenly want one. It's not the right person if the timing is off, and that's one of the hardest relationship lessons anyone has to learn.
You haven't had a frank conversation about what you're looking for yet. Tell them that! It's not fair to project your private expectations onto someone else—they should be just as clued into what's going on with your situation as you are. Have that convo, and then see how you feel after. You feel unsatisfied regardless of the cool things you do together.
If you and your partner have tried BYOB painting, rock-climbing, and weekend trips, and you still catch yourself disengaging from him or her when you're together, it might be a sign to move on — particularly if you imagine how your lifestyle would be different without your partner, and the vision is appealing, according to Dr.
Suzanne Degges-White , Ph. A fresh start with a new partner could help you live the life you want. You're just sick of your Netflix routine. Mariana Bockarova , Ph. She suggests challenging yourselves to switch up your date nights, pick new hobbies, or expand your friend group — anything to give yourselves a chance to bond over something new together.
Your partner triggers anger. Degges-White says. If his or her mere presence irrationally irritates you even on good days, that's a much bigger issue. If school is beyond stressful or your new boss has been making you miserable, you could be taking your anger out on your partner.
Bockarova says. Keep track of exactly when you lash out — if it's every time you're hangry or you get a work email on the weekend, take note. And, you know, be nicer to your partner. There's truly never a time you want to bone. Does the very idea of sex with your partner kind of repulse you? That's a pretty bad sign. You still enjoy being physically close to your partner. If you always want to spoon together and generally feel pretty handsy with them, the issue may involve a temporary dip in your sex drive rather than problems with your partner.
Medications like antidepressants might also be affecting your sex drive, she says, so you may want to schedule a doctor's appointment before deciding to call it quits on your relationship.
You actually dread plans with your partner. Another thing to look out for, according to Dr. Degges-White, is missing every aspect of your old single life. If the time you spend with your friends is leading you to behave like you did before your relationship—like staying out with your squad until 4 a. You genuinely just miss your friends.
When you first start dating someone, it's natural to prioritize the relationship above friends for a while, according to Dr.
If anything, it's unhealthy to expect your partner to also be your entire social life , so you having your own sets of friends should only help your relationship.
Your fights are straight-up toxic and hurtful. You both feel respected even when you disagree. Bockarova suggests paying close attention to how you fight — do you talk calmly? Are you able to be affectionate after an argument is over?
Do you feel like you're growing from the fights you're having? This is especially true if you have one or two recurring fights that you haven't fully resolved yet.
You want your partner to drastically change as a person. You have to ask yourself if you'd be willing to stay with them if they didn't change this aspect of themselves. If not, it's time to move on. The change you're seeking is situational. Bockarova believes it's reasonable to wait for external changes, like a partner getting a job in the same city as you, only if you have reason to believe that they are realistically capable of making that change.
Just remember: Even if your partner is determined and reliable, you still have a right to be frustrated or want a bigger change in your life. Type keyword s to search. Today's Top Stories. John Francis. Why are you like this??? Related Story. Advertisement - Continue Reading Below. A Complete Beginner's Guide to Fisting. Your Sex Horoscope for the Weekend.
Last Name. But when you are finished, rip up the letter and throw away the pieces along with the hurt that your ex-partner has caused you. Think twice about playing games. I know so many of my friends who jumped ship just because they had found a partner ready to commit and settle down. However, I succumb. Get help. Don't stay friends with him if you don't think you can handle it.
Dumping your lover. You are here
If you really can't handle telling him to his face, or it's just not possible, choose to write him a heartfelt and detailed letter. Don't type it, either. You are trying to show compassion. He will feel less pain if you make him feel like he did matter to you, but it just didn't work. Don't ghost. Ghosting is a term that's become popular recently with some celebrity breakups. When people ghost someone else, they dump them without explanation. They just vanish.
Ghosting is cruel. It makes people feel disrespected and confused. So if you really want to break up with him, ghosting won't get him out of your life as quickly. Don't lead him on. Sometimes people try to let people down so easily that they end up leading them on.
This isn't very nice. It will confuse him and give him false hope. Be final. Be short and firm. Don't say things like "I just need some space" because it will give him false hope.
If there is truly none, you need to stand firm and not confuse him. You can show care and that you hope he will be OK, but any signs of overt emotion or touching even a hug could lead him to think there's still a chance. That's kind of cruel. Explain very clearly the parameters of any future relationship. If there is no chance, say it.
Keep it to yourself. Gossip isn't nice. Let him tell other people, including your circles of friends. And keep the reasons to yourself. If people ask, just say that out of respect for him, you aren't going to share. If he tells people, don't get too angry. Unless he's lying about you or being excessively mean, he's going to need someone to talk to probably. If you confide in someone about the breakup, ask them to keep it a secret.
It's understandable that you might want advice or support from a friend or relative, but you don't want your boyfriend to find out about the breakup from someone else. Don't use cliches. It's tempting to just trot out a cliche. You know, something like, "It's not you, it's me" or "I think we should just be friends.
It sucks, so don't say it. It's going to make him upset or defensive if he thinks you're not being honest. Lines such as "I just need some time to work on myself," or "I just need space" instantly spring to mind as top offenders here. A much better approach is to just speak from the heart and be honest. Be very clear, but also be very simple and direct.
Just say what's really going on. It's better to put some distance between your relationship and a friendship anyway. So skip the "let's be friends" cliche. Take some of the blame. If you really think you didn't do anything wrong, you should examine yourself. Both people are usually to blame in some ways when relationships fail. Or maybe two people just aren't compatible and no one is really to blame.
For instance, say something like, "I know I didn't communicate well" or "I haven't been as open to trying things you like to do. If you want out, dump him, but accept that he's not the only person at fault.
No one deserves to be abused or lied to, so retain your self respect and just walk away. This will lessen his pain by allowing him to retain pride. If you put all of the blame on him, it will turn into an argument instead of a conversation. You're already dumping him, so it's not necessary to give him a long list of everything he's done wrong. Avoid excessively blaming language, and make sure your tone is soft and gentle, not angry and accusatory. Do give him a reason. People deserve to know why they're being dumped.
You shouldn't go on and on and say hurtful things. But do give him a reason. Don't stay long. Just give him your reasons - say them kindly, clearly, and quickly - and express empathy toward him. So respect that and let him be.
He will need a few minutes to let it sink in. Give him those few minutes, and let him have his say, reinforce your message, and then leave. Boil down your reasoning to a sentence summary. This will help you keep it focused. Say kind things. A little kindness goes a very long way. If he starts to get angry anyway, don't respond in kind. Don't argue or yell. Tell him you're sorry. You're sorry it didn't work out the way he hoped it would, and you're sorry that he's hurt.
Allow him to react. If he cries or begs, let him say his piece, but don't respond to it. Just stick to your message - kindly. Thank him. Thank him for the good times you did share, but then reinforce the fact it's just not going to work out. Thank him for anything he did for you or gave to you. Explain to him that you are sure he will be fine and will be able to find someone new because he is a good person with a lot to offer, but you two are just not right for each other and it's just not going to work out.
Don't lie. It's just not nice, and worse, he's probably going to find out you lied eventually - and that will make it much, much worse. That doesn't mean you need to hammer him with details about the new boy you like if there is one. It just means you shouldn't tell him something that is not true. How about giving it some time before you jump into a new relationship anyway?
Give him some time to heal before he has to see you with someone else or hear about it. Pick the right time. It's just downright mean to dump someone when they are going through a crisis in their lives. So you should really pick a time that will work best for him, not you.
What's the rush? Do it during the day. It's better not to dump someone at night and never do it after they've been drinking or you have. Morning or lunch is better, but pick a weekend or a day he doesn't have school or work. You don't want to dump him if he has to go somewhere right away. It's unfair to put him in emotional turmoil when he has to show his best side. Don't dump him on special occasions, like right before the holidays, on his birthday, or right before or on your anniversary.
It will make him feel worse. While picking a good time is important, don't spend too much time thinking about it. It's better to act quickly when you know your relationship is over. Get him alone. It's probably better to dump him in private. That way he won't feel humiliated, and if he shows emotion, no one else will see. The worst thing a woman jilted in love wants to hear is news that their ex is getting married, weeks or months after the break-up However, the ugly and painful nature of such experiences have never stopped women from falling victims.
Emotionally strong as she claims to be, her husband-to-be running off with her best friend broke her heart into pieces, rendering her an emotional wreck. She says she dated a certain Mark for close to three years, and theirs, so she thought, was a match made in heaven. To me, he was the one and only, and I could not wait for him on go on his knees and pop out the magic words: Will you marry me.
Shock on me. Nyawira says Mark called her one evening and, out of the blue, said he wanted out of the relationship. Of course, Nyawira was devastated. She itched to know the real reason behind the abrupt break up.
Reason for getting dumped It, however, did not take long for her to realise that Mark was seeing her best friend, and the two were not only insanely in love, but also planning a wedding. Our mutual friends sent me screenshots. She was too selfless. Quite a beautiful soul, but she focused too on doing stuff for others that she completely forgot about herself.
She had no time for me or even herself, her people were always present in her life! There are men who can date women from other communities, but can never marry them.
Steve, a journalist, is of the opinion that some of the women who fall victims of such men have themselves to blame. The speed was too much, forcing my pal to boycott the marriage at the last minute. The woman was so hurt and dumped him. But in less than a year, the man married the next woman he dated. I know so many of my friends who jumped ship just because they had found a partner ready to commit and settle down.
She really wanted to settle down and have babies. When she met her current husband, he seemed ready and straightforward.
How to Dump Your Boyfriend Nicely: 12 Steps (with Pictures)
But dumping a genuinely kind person, even it's the right thing to do, can be a deeply confusing and super tough decision. I spoke with Linda Esposito, LCSW , on exactly why parting ways with a good boyfriend feels so impossible, and how to tell when it's time:. You feel comfortable in your routine, but not excited about it. Having a go-to person to chill with on a Friday night or cling to at holiday office parties has its pluses, for sure.
Shaking up your status quo especially when there's no pressing reason is hard. But if you keep looking at other peoples' relationships and wishing you felt that same level of passion for your boyfriend, maybe a shake up is exactly what you need. If all your BFFs have boyfriends and, as a result, A. Don't hang out with you as much as they used to and B.
Who wants to listen to all their friends bond over their humblebraggy relationship struggles while you anxiously down the rest of your mimosa? Even bigger question — how good are your friends if you feel like you have to have a romantic partner to fit in?
You keep thinking about how great his friends and family are as a reason to stay. If he's an objectively great guy, chances are his friends and family are wonderful too. But staying with someone for their social circle never lasts. You're convinced dumping him would make you a bad or selfish person.
Honestly, there is definitely a stigma against women ditching nice men. Ending a relationship your friends admired or your parents strongly approved of can make you think like you'll be perceived as the callous villain of your story, not the hero. They're basing assumptions off of cute MCM Instas and polite dinner conversations — they aren't seeing you struggling to want to have sex with him. Also, no one will hold it against you or actually care that much if they do, cut them out of your life, for real.
A big part of why this guy seems so consistently nice could have something to do with how you fight. If you never do, or if fights always end with him just quickly agreeing with you, it could be a sign that your relationship isn't even as good as you make it out to be. Acknowledge your discomfort to your partner from the get-go. Never arguing makes your partnership surface-level pleasant, but not actually honest or open. Even if you acknowledge all of the above and are totally ready to break up, there's still the factor of seeing his face react when you tell him the news because yes, you MUST do it in person.
Causing distress and heartbreak in a guy who's been there for you through some tough times and is one of the nicest people you know feels legitimately cruel. Because one way or another, you will leave. In the words of Cheryl Strayed: "will you do it later or will you do it now? Every one of my recently-single-again friends has groaned at the prospect of sifting through dating apps again. Swiping right on someone and scheduling your rare free time for a date so you can re-open yourself up to a stranger actually sounds less fun than a chemical foot peel.
And yet. And if you really can't tell if you're just in a relationship slump or are truly not into him, you can figure it out once and for all. Go with the longer list. Write down everything you want, even if you can barely squeeze it in the margins. Now find out how you can come closer to reaching it, even if it means going at it alone.
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