Guess there are other ways of celebrating! Advertisement - Continue Reading Below. What would Christmas be without him? They were given a diamond ring and some presents and gush:. And squeezing my huge ass down Naughty christmas carols chimney shaft? Make a playlist for your holiday loving. Umm, I don't celebrate Christmas. Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners. Better watch out for yourselves. Another song that isn't even trying to be subtle when it comes to Santa is this Naughty christmas carols tune from Sarah Taylor and Bill Mumy.
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Either way, Little Jimmy's gonna be telling his psychiatrist about the encounter in 10 years.
- But, the inner mischievous child in many people likes to come out during the season, perhaps as a rebellion against all of the cheerful good tidings!
- On the second pain of Christmas, Chuck Norris sent to me Two knuckle shoves, And destruction with only own knee.
- But nobody saw this coming.
Is it just me or does the holiday season start earlier and earlier each year? Before the leaves change color, even before pumpkin spice products infiltrate every corner of my grocery story, it seems like I'm haunted by "Jingle Bells" and "Let It Snow" at the dentist office and at shopping malls—and it doesn't let up until New Year's Eve.
Don't get me wrong, I love a good classic Christmas tune as much as the next person. And though roasting chestnuts and dreaming of a winter wonderland is all fun at first, by the time Christmas actually rolls around, I'm so very ready to switch things up. Instead of slinking into Scrooge-mode from exposure to the same Christmas carols over and over again, try adding some alternative songs to your holiday playlist this year.
Here are 34 of the best, wackiest, and weirdest ones we could find. The song distills the melancholia that can settle on even the jolliest soul during the holiday season otherwise known as SadGirlFall and CozyGirlWinter.
While the words are cheerful merry is literally in the title , Garland's performance is breathtaking and, yes, heartbreaking. Since its debut, the song has become a Christmas classic covered by contemporary greats like Sam Smith, Christina Aguilera, and Frank Sinatra, though few have surpassed Garland's tear-jerking performance.
It's no fun to get the blues at Christmas, unless Bessie Smith is singing them. The legendary blues singer gave a Christmas gift to the world with her song, "At the Christmas Ball.
When John Lennon and Yoko Ono were engaging in various protest activities—think their late '60s bed-ins—they were also making beautiful and meaningful music designed to reach the masses, but also to convey a serious message. Layering Christmas wishes with a pointed desire for peace, the couple took aim at the Vietnam War and encouraged people to think about the greater global context at a time of sometimes ignorant celebration and indulgence.
We love a good anti-Christmas anthem. Singer, songwriter, and producer Elvis Costello bet MacGowan he couldn't write a Christmas duet to sing with the band's bass player and Costello's future wife Cait O'Riordan. Costello may have lost his wager, but the world got "Fairytale in New York," a wistful song for anyone who has been lonely on Christmas Eve—even those in, "in the drunk tank.
Irving Berlin penned "White Christmas" for the classic Christmas movie Holiday Inn , and Bing Crosby delivered a beautifully memorable, if slightly mournful, take on the tune.
As an aside, if you haven't seen Holiday Inn , you must. Crosby got a second shot at the song on the set of White Christmas , where he knocked it out of the park again. The nostalgic song is so popular that it holds the Guinness World Record as the best-selling single of all time. Or, as DMC himself put it , "The beat is dope. The flow is dope.
The rhymes are dope. Look, the holidays aren't a great time for everyone—especially when images of happy families and couples are continually thrust in your face, like, literally everywhere.
Never mind though, because the '80s heartbreak stylings of Wham! It may have been beaten to 1 in the U. If you're looking for a Christmas song that you can play all year round—or just a jam that to gently remind you of what believers call "the reason for the season"—look no further than Big Star's "Jesus Christ.
There seemed to be no particular reason that the '70s Nashville rockers included an ode to the nativity in the middle of their final album, but we're sure glad they did. But then came David Bowie and Bing Crosby, who transformed the drudgery into a joyous and uplifting song. Bowie loved his mom but drew the line at singing the dreaded "Little Drummer Boy," so some quick-thinking writers whipped together an entirely new song. Just ask David Letterman, who had an annual tradition of inviting her on his show every year to perform this hit.
This song is a must for any chilled-out Christmas playlist. Just take a few minutes to enjoy this song while you bask in the spirit of the season. This song. Johnson hosted a radio hour back in the '50s and '60s, and inspired the, arguably, best character in Hairspray: Motormouth Maybelle.
His ode to 'ole jolly St. Nick is a Christmas classic. It's not the holiday season until beats begin to mingle with silver bells drifting through the air—that is, according to Beck's Christmas oddity, "Little Drum Machine Boy.
The Osaka-based band toured with Nirvana and the Breeders back in the '90s. They're still making music today. The grrrrl group is also influenced by the Supremes, the Ramones, and the Beach Boys. You can hear it all in their delightfully strange holiday song, "Space Christmas. So it all makes sense. This merry tune offers a very bizarre lesson in Santa kidnapping, as Lee promises to "pop, pop Santa Claus with [her] water pistol gun. In "I'm Gonna Lasso Santa Clause," she promises to "take his bags of toys and run and bring to all the kids who don't have none.
Four years later, at the age of 13, she became the first artist to record a little song called "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. You know, to get funky with under the Christmas tree. Unfortunately, this is also a one way ticket to the naughty list. Set down your punch, because Fat Les is serving up a cautionary tale about drinking too much at an office Christmas party. Pop singer Lily Allen provided extra vocals for background and Lisa Moorish sings about everything that could possibly go wrong after one too any eggnogs at work.
This Gaga throwback is unexpectedly just a lot of Christmas-themed sex puns, which we don't mind at all. It involves her repeatedly letting us know that her "Christmas tree" is delicious. This whole song is, shall we say, the polar opposite of her holiday duet with Tony Bennett. Still, it's definitely one to add to the list when you've cycled through the A Star Is Born soundtrack too many times.
In typical Babs form—she takes a blah Christmas standard no offense to "Jingle Bells" , and turns it into her own unique sound. The late, great Sharon Jones' Christmas song pays tribute to other Christmas songs, and the lyrics touch on everything from Rudolph to the little drummer boy.
All of the soulful vocals and pure instrumentals make "Just Another Christmas Song" actually the opposite of just another Christmas song. James White, "Christmas with Satan". Back in , when downtown New York was the epicenter of all things gritty cool, everyone it seems inexplicably decided to debut a Christmas album.
Ze Records released a holiday compilation featuring underground acts like Suicide, Alan Vega, and The Waitresses with their now classic "Christmas Wrapping" which was later covered by The strangest track on the album is from James White, who apparently spent "Christmas with Satan. Nothing says Christmas like the sound of cats yowling along to beloved carols.
Need a Christmas song for the Solo stan in your life? You don't need to head to, ahem, a galaxy far, far away. Check out Christmas in the Stars. The cosmic s holiday album tie-in is out of this world. It features songs sung by droids. In , Chris de Burgh wrote the slow dance classic "Lady in Red," a touching if somewhat sentimental adult-contemporary homage to his wife. While that may be de Burgh's best-known track, it shouldn't overshadow this song, which reimagines the Christmas story as a tale of intergalactic travel.
It features the angel Gabriel as a spaceship rider from another planet heralding the birth of the little baby Jesus and guiding all to the manger as his starship stood in for a guiding light. Not sure anyone slow-danced to this one. Clarence Carter, "Back Door Santa".
This funky Christmas carol has a serious message—don't leave your woman alone when Santa comes to town. The dirty-minded ditty was covered by Bon Jovi in , which helped spread the song's reminder to lock your chimney up tight on Christmas Eve.
Easy listening impresario John Denver really didn't want his father to get drunk on Christmas. It's the only possible explanation for why the country crooner would include the song on two separate albums—'s Farewell Andromeda and on his album Rocky Mountain Christmas. Rex's "Christmas Bop" is a holiday jam that's as festive as a candy cane and just as sweet, with its disco beat and singer Marc Bolan wailing about being cold over a chorus of "T.
Cyndi Lauper's true colors came shining through in this surprisingly raunchy Christmas ditty. In the song, Minnie promises to be "laying in wait on a bear skin rug" for Santa wearing nothing but a big red bow.
Girls just wanna have fun, right? This holiday song also bears the unique distinction of being the only time in history that the phrase "cookies and milk" has sounded downright lascivious. Christmas music is usually either about spending time with people you love or being sad and alone.
Christmas break-up songs are nothing new, but Dragonette throws in a little spin for the digital age. As weird as it is, the heartbreak jam can also be kind of therapeutic for anyone getting out of a relationship this time of year. The Kinks offer a commentary on the materialism surrounding Christmas and Santa Claus with this track about kids beating up a mall Santa because they want cold hard cash for Christmas instead of toys.
The message may not be very cheerful—but the music's so darn catchy. Type keyword s to search. Today's Top Stories. My Mother Stole My Identity. Getty Images. Advertisement - Continue Reading Below. The Best. Big Star, "Jesus Christ" If you're looking for a Christmas song that you can play all year round—or just a jam that to gently remind you of what believers call "the reason for the season"—look no further than Big Star's "Jesus Christ.
The Wackiest. Fat Les, "Naughty Christmas Goblin in the Office " Set down your punch, because Fat Les is serving up a cautionary tale about drinking too much at an office Christmas party.
Lady Gaga ft. Space Cowboy , Christmas Tree This Gaga throwback is unexpectedly just a lot of Christmas-themed sex puns, which we don't mind at all. The Weirdest. James White, "Christmas with Satan" Back in , when downtown New York was the epicenter of all things gritty cool, everyone it seems inexplicably decided to debut a Christmas album.
What music can they play? This uptempo Mariah Carey tune will have you clapping and singing along as Mariah asks Santa to mend her broken relationship. But then again neither is Jingle Bells. Many artists have admirably recorded this classic song, but s sex symbol Ann-Margret and trumpeter Al Hirt sung it unforgettably in Everyone said Merry Christmas without another thought back then. Some hottie waits for you - Kisses, from her knees! Then there's this ugly image, full of innuendo: You leave some cookies out, Imma eat 'em all.
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Naughty carols are out there, too. If like-minded friends are not forwarding links or lyrics, a number of other mediums provide ample selections of dirty tunes. From websites with mp3 downloads to blogs to entire compilation compact discs, the dirtiest humor will come to light with a little searching. Some places to seek out dirty carols include:. Additionally, mp3 download websites may have songs listed for purchase or available for free listening.
Radio personalities may also re-write holiday songs to suit their particular audiences, so check their station's website for lyrics and tunes. The carol book contains over 40 hilarious and naughty Christmas tunes to enjoy. While some people may find dirty Christmas carols hilarious, others may find them offensive or disgusting.
On the fourth pain of Christmas, Chuck Norris sent to me Four dying herds, Three dead men, Two knuckle shoves, And destruction with only one knee. On the fifth pain of Christmas, Chuck Norris sent to me Five painful swings, Four dying herds, Three dead men, Two knuckle shoves, And destruction with only one knee. On the sixth pain of Christmas, Chuck Norris sent to me Six punch a-hitting, Five painful swings, Four dying herds, Three dead men, Two knuckle shoves, And destruction with only one knee.
On the seventh pain of Christmas, Chuck Norris sent to me Seven teeth a-spitting, Six punch a-hitting, Five painful swings, Four dying herds, Three dead men, Two knuckle shoves, And destruction with only one knee. On the eighth pain of Christmas, Chuck Norris sent to me Eight tears a-sulking, Seven teeth a-spitting, Six punch a-hitting, Five painful swings, Four dying herds, Three dead men, Two knuckle shoves, And destruction with only one knee. On the ninth pain of Christmas, Chuck Norris sent to me Nine combat kickings, Eight tears a-sulking, Seven teeth a-spitting, Six punch a-hitting, Five painful swings, Four dying herds, Three dead men, Two knuckle shoves, And destruction with only one knee.
On the tenth pain of Christmas, Chuck Norris sent to me Ten guns a-shooting, Nine combat kickings, Eight tears a-sulking, Seven teeth a-spitting, Six punch a-hitting, Five painful swings, Four dying herds, Three dead men, Two knuckle shoves, And destruction with only one knee. On the eleventh pain of Christmas, Chuck Norris sent to me Eleven skulls a-cracking, Ten guns a-shooting, Nine combat kickings, Eight tears a-sulking, Seven teeth a-spitting, Six punch a-hitting, Five painful swings, Four dying herds, Three dead men, Two knuckle shoves, And destruction with only one knee.
On the twelfth pain of Christmas, Chuck Norris sent to me Twelve bodies crushing, Eleven skulls a-cracking, Ten guns a-shooting, Nine combat kickings, Eight tears a-sulking, Seven teeth a-spitting, Six punch a-hitting, Five painful swings, Four dying herds, Three dead men, Two knuckle shoves, And destruction with only one knee!
Nick'las had screwed up. The iPod expected was not to be found The Xbox ? With writing and binding, and an index and pages Tommy yelled, "What the F? Is this the middle ages? I can't even pawn it for favours or cash" And so, with a flourish, it went in the trash Composure returnedtwenty eight gifts to go! With a mouth dry of s'liva, and a tum full of sick Tom thought hard about pistol-whipping St. Nick Or finding his sleigh and "adjusting" the brakes And to finisha dinner of fine reindeer steaks!
No cellphone! No Nikes! No Eminem CD! A sweater! Some mittens! A jacket, so tweedy! Tommy climbed on the roof and he started to shout "Hey Santa Claus! Santa Claus!
Top 9 Adult Christmas Songs
FlourishAnyway believes there is a playlist for just about any situation and is on a mission to unite and entertain the world through song. They're combining Christmas and sexiness? Oh, for real. It had to be an anomaly—this case of the Santa shimmies.
Was someone drinking too much eggnog? Could we blame it on an elf gone bad? But hold on. There was also "Santa Baby," an obvious come-on to poor old Santa who is just trying to do his job. Eartha Kitt, behave yourself! Upon investigating further, I couldn't believe how many songs there are that celebrate naughtiness, suggest under-the-tree activities, and are filled with sexual innuendo about getting stuck in chimneys or eating someone's cookies.
There will always be those who prefer to celebrate Jesus' birthday with their pants down. If you happen to be one of them, you apparently have a lot of company. Here is a long list of sexy Christmas songs—from the romantic to the rollicking to the raunchy.
These songs are full of double meanings and many statements that aren't so hidden. Make a playlist for your holiday loving. If you're not blushing yet, you soon will be. Many artists have admirably recorded this classic song, but s sex symbol Ann-Margret and trumpeter Al Hirt sung it unforgettably in At the end of a date, a couple is back at the man's apartment, and the woman is contemplating leaving. They have a sultry, back-and-forth conversation, as she decides whether to stay or go:.
My mother will start to worry Beautiful, what's your hurry? My father will be pacing the floor Listen to the fireplace roar So really I'd better scurry Beautiful, please don't hurry Although she seems to protest, her date answers each of her flimsy arguments with reasons why she should stay and enjoy herself.
What do you think? Eartha Kitt was only 26 years old when she recorded this enduring hit—years before she became Catwoman in television's Batman series. In this song, she calls Santa " honey " and " cutie ," cooing that she's been good all year and deserves expensive gifts. She promises that " next year I could be just as good Santa's married, for goodness sake!
Not leaving Santa's gift-giving choices to mere chance, the naughty lady makes several expensive suggestions:. Perhaps it's an issue of age, but for me, there's a certain "ick" factor in this one that starts with the fact that Justin Bieber was just 17 years old when he released the song in But that doesn't stop the little Bieb-ster from crooning to his sweetheart that it feels like Valentine's Day.
In an attempt to be romantic, he says, " I'm entering the top of your roof. The hot-and-bothered teen explains that he doesn't need any presents because he has her. Then there's this ugly image, full of innuendo:. You leave some cookies out, Imma eat 'em all. When we use imagination! In this Christmas song by Luther Vandross, a man beckons his lady to come join him under the mistletoe for a romantic dance. She refuses, however, answering him, " The last time I got under there with you, I had twins.
King and Christina Aguilera gave especially good performances. The song is about a lover who is feeling amorous after a middle-of-the-night visit from Santa. They were given a diamond ring and some presents and gush:. Love and longing are in the air in this up-tempo song as Mariah Carey swears that she'll forgo presents and doesn't need to hang her stockings.
All she wants is her lover to hold on to her tight, and she'll wait under the mistletoe until Santa delivers her gift. In this holiday number , Elvis Presley tells his lover to be a " good little girl " because " you're gonna see me comin' in a big black Cadillac. Hang up your pretty stockings And turn off the light Santa Claus is comin' down your chimney tonight. Well, Ho! In , Lady Gaga released this raunchy bit, with suggestive lyrics set to the tune of "Deck the Halls.
Light me up put me on top, let's falalalalalalala Ho ho ho, under the mistletoe Yes, everybody knows We will take off our clothes Yes, if you want us to we will He's talking to his favorite girl, telling her how he wants to make her dreams come true for Christmas. KEM offers to give her his heart wrapped up in a bow and suggests that they spend time together playing in the snow, snuggling by the Christmas tree, and cuddling by the fire.
Romantic Joe Tex wanted to make sure that when he found the woman of his dreams, he kept her content, Thus, he promised himself that he'd make everyday like Christmas for her. What he lacked in money, he'd make up with love and affection.
He sounds convincing! Whatever Ella Fitzgerald was thinking when she recorded this song, she sure had second thoughts later. For years, the Queen of Jazz and her attorneys blocked the re-issue of the song until her death in 1.
In the innuendo-filled song, the singer teases that last year Santa Claus was so " roly-poly, fat and round " that he got stuck in her chimney. He was " not quite up and not quite down, " and she gleefully looks forward to his return.
Talk about innuendos. I'll slide down your chimney and bring you lots of joy What I got for you, Mama, it ain't just a toy. Ariana Grande asks Santa to spare her the broken heart if the guy won't stick around until next Christmas. Although she dreams of someone to hold, she's avoiding the mistletoe until she knows that it's true love. No one has a voice quite like Aaron Neville, and it's on full display in this sexy, soulful song from It's about a lover who has ventured off, leaving him alone with no friends or family.
He yearns for her to return home for Christmas so he can be happy once again. In this romantic song, Toni Braxton is ever-thankful for snowflakes of love smiling down upon her and and the winter bliss she feels as she and her man kiss. There is no mistaking what Clarence Carter is bragging about in this song. He's a ladies man who slips in the back door to treat the housewives right while their husbands are at work.
That's the traditional meaning of a "back door" man. He even keeps a few pennies in his pockets for the children so they'll stay occupied while he and the Mrs. And unlike Santa, Clarence doesn't come around just once a year:. They call me the Back Door Santa I make my runs about the break of day I make all the little girls happy While the boys are out to play. In this country classic, Barbara Mandrell recounts what first must have made her and her sweetheart fall in love.
She reminisces about the romantic holiday setting that was perfect for romance:. Mistletoe is a parasitic plant with no root structure of its own. Its existence depends upon the oak or apple trees that it typically lives in. The plant is a symbol for peace, healing, and joy. Historically, it was held sacred by the ancient Norse, Celtic Druids. Celtic peoples believed the plant brought good luck and contained magic healing powers, and when Druid enemies met under a tree with mistletoe, they called a truce for a day.
An old Norse myth is at the crux of why people kiss under the mistletoe. Mistletoe was the sacred plant of the goddess of love, who was also the mythical mother of the summer sun god.
The summer sun was killed by the god of evil, and he stayed that way for three days. He was restored to life, however, by the magic healing of the mistletoe. While grieving for her dead son, the goddess of love's tears were transformed into the mistletoe's pearly white berries.
Then, when her son was finally restored to life, she was so overwhelmed with joy that she kissed everyone who crossed the path under the mistletoe.
Thus, the mistletoe symbolizes the tree of life and love conquering evil. She sings that " I've got your sugar if you'll show me your spice " and " There's no penalty for peeking early under my tree. A tired Mama is still in the kitchen cooking, while the husband is playing Santa by assembling a bike for one of the children. Feeling amorous, he finds it hard to concentrate and tells her to " come make your papa happy please " because " Santa Claus wants some lovin'.
Poor Britney Spears It's Christmastime and she laments that everyone is in love except for her. She wants her lover back, but this time Santa needs to bring him wrapped up in a big red bow. Could it be she did the poor fella wrong, just like she cheated on Justin Timberlake?
This is a catchy Christmas song if I've ever heard one. This uptempo Mariah Carey tune will have you clapping and singing along as Mariah asks Santa to mend her broken relationship.
She asks Santa to " scoop him right down my chimney. Make no mistake. This is not that old holiday classic sung by Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra or some old dusty coot. It's an entirely different tune, sung by Boys II Men To set the scene, it's snowing outside, the fire is ablaze, and so are two lovers' passions.
If you think country music is tamer, you haven't listened to Louise Mandrell sing these suggestive holiday lyrics.